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It is common to reflect on the love and connection in our lives at any time of year, especially now. Having close relationships feels wonderful and can also bolster overall wellness, so it makes sense that this topic frequently comes to mind. 

When wanting more love in life, it is easy to overlook the importance of finding time consistently to show up for yourself. When you make time for yourself, you can compassionately get to know who you are, discover what makes you happy, and uncover the blocks you might have in relationships. 

The Sufi mystic and poet Rumi has said, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” 

Those who have strong connections with others often have strong connections to themselves first. They seek to uncover, understand, and heal themselves in ways that will also help their relationships. Their self-reflection is for the sake of their own well-being and for the sake of those around them.  

Rumi’s quotation about seeking barriers we build against love suggests that building love and connection does not begin with the question of whether or not one is good enough, worthy enough, or in the right place at the right time. Rather, the first step is taking time for self-reflection.  

No matter what barriers you might have built up against love, there are ways to begin to soften and open the heart. Here are a few practices that support self-inquiry and compassion.  

Lovingkindness Meditation 

Lovingkindness meditation focuses your awareness on the act of wishing yourself and others well. The practice always begins by sending lovingkindness to yourself first.  

Close your eyes, take a few calming breaths, then begin by saying these phrases to yourself, slowly and silently, pausing for a moment between each phrase. 

May I be happy.  

May I be healthy. 

May I hold myself and others in compassion. 

Next, envision someone you love. Repeat those phrases again silently as if you are saying them to that person, such as, “May you be happy.” Pause. “May you be healthy,” and so on. 

Next, envision someone you know who might be in need of extra care right now. Repeat those phrase silently, sending lovingkindness to them.  

Next, envision someone you don’t know too well but you see sometimes, at the store, at school pick up, or in the neighborhood. Send them the same lovingkindness messages.  

Continue for a few more rounds, directing lovingkindness energy toward others. Then, envision all beings. Send lovingkindness wishes in support of all beings. 

After you do this, pause. Take a few breaths. Notice how you feel. Over time, notice if this practice changes how connected you feel with yourself and others. 

Journaling 

When you journal, you create space for yourself, your thoughts, and your emotions. There likely have been times in your life when you needed someone to pay more attention to you, and sometimes the person whose attention you miss is your own. 

There are many ways to journal. Julia Cameron, visiting faculty with IIN, has a well-known method in her book called The Artist's Way. 

Another way to journal to strengthen your connection with yourself is to connect your mind and body in the present moment.  

Begin with the question, “How am I feeling right now?” Your answer can begin with how you are feeling physically: are you feeling hot, cold, or comfortable? Does your body have any aches and pains? Do you notice any sounds or scents? How is your mood today? Notice these things, write them down, and do so with nonjudgmental awareness.  

Whatever you might be feeling, whatever you notice, hold it with compassion. It can help to get these thoughts and feelings out on paper, to clear your mind. And, as you journal you might discover things about yourself that you wouldn’t have realized if you hadn’t taken time to do this. 

With this greater connection to yourself, it is easier to know how to take care of yourself and also to be mindful of how you are connecting with others.  

Self-Massage (abhyanga) 

This is a practice rooted in Ayurveda, whereby you massage your body with warm oil each day. Some of the many benefits have been said to include improved skin tone, reduced muscle tension, and increased self-love. 

The practice can be very calming, especially in winter months. Abhyanga is not a deep-tissue or sports massage, instead it involves long strokes up and down the limbs and circular motions around the abdomen and joints, with lovingkindness. 

Ayurvedic practitioners say, if you practice Abhyanga in the morning before showering, then as the heat opens the skin’s pores the oil will sink in further. If you do this practice before bed, and you find that you do not have time for a full-body massage, then simply massaging your feet and the scalp with warm oil is said to be a soothing and calming bedtime ritual. 

The oil for Abhyanga is warm, not hot, and should be pure, such as sesame oil or coconut oil. If you are interested in herbal oils, choose those that are recommended by an Ayurvedic practitioner.  

Self-massage with oil is a timeless self-care ritual. As you do this practice, you can practice having gratitude for your body and all that it supports you through, day and night. Allow your awareness to stay with the feeling of the massage and let your body and mind recognize you are taking time to focus on yourself.  

These practices can be important ways to focus your attention on yourself, care for yourself, and strengthen your communication with yourself. This can lead to greater self-awareness, self-love, and the ability to notice barriers that you might have built up against love so you can find ways to bring them down. 

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